I wish God spoke to me as clearly …

I wish God spoke to me as clearly as God seems to speak to others. I pray, I listen, I read scripture, and I listen to trusted spiritual leaders. But I am constantly aware of the complexities of life and relationships. I don’t see black and white, I see shades of gray. I see God’s Truth as beyond our limited thinking … and that means our ideas and our understandings of that truth are ALWAYS distorted, blurred, limited, and shallow.

I am angry about that. I don’t want to be looking through a mirror dimly … I want to see God face to face. I want to know what Christ knows, I want to be certain that what I do is ALWAYS right. But I guess that’s what faith is … stepping out into dangerous waters and doing your best to keep your eyes on Jesus through the fog.

God doesn’t speak to me face to face, and even if I were to receive those direct words of wisdom I long for so much … as soon as I held on to them, they, too, would be distorted by the limitations of language itself. That’s why I can’t read the Bible literally … words are limited … the communication of an idea from one person to another is very difficult to portray through words alone. Those words are shared along with a relationship of past experiences, feelings, intuitions, facial and bodily expressions, and inflections. The Bible has to be experienced the same way … and the truths expressed there are often misinterpreted even as the words shared between intimate partners can be misinterpreted.

That’s why I belong to a church that hold high the motto … reformed and always being reformed. I was born questioning. My mother says I drove her craze as a toddler asking “How come?” about everything. And my mom and dad, to their credit, would always welcome my questions and answer them to the best of their ability.

I see homosexuality as being a “gray area”. I have asked questions … and the biggest is “why?” Why would God consider love between people of the same sex as a slight against him? Why would expressing that love sexually be so dangerous to their souls? I don’t see it. I DO, however, see how the hostility, hatred, and judgementalism that is shown to GLBT people IS HARMFUL. I can see its destructiveness. I can see its evil. I can see lots of harm and destruction in sexual expression … but I see the same sin in both gay and straight relationships. Our sexuality itself is, in my opinion, morally neutral; how we express it … and the relationships that are hurt and encouraged by it … that’s where the goodness and evilness is discerned.

I realize, though, that I could be wrong. I wish … I only wish … that people who disagreed with my stance on homosexuality could only admit that they, too, could be wrong. Or does God really speak more clearly to them?